By: Daniela González
Founder
THE HAPPY SELF PROJECT
To my younger self,
Dany, I ́ll start with a spoiler alert, we have an amazing daughter, we named her Andrea, you know, after our favorite doll. She ́s your same age: 16 years old, and much like yourself, she ́s dealing with her own battles, but you don’t have to worry about her, that’s my job, and you know what? she is actually doing great.
In 6 more years, you ́ll get to meet her; I know, that ́s soon, right? But don’t panic, becoming a parent is something that pushed us ahead. You will be surprised and proud of what a pretty good job we are doing parenting. Last week she was asked to write about the best relationship she had with someone, and guess what? She chose ours. I assume it’s because no matter how imperfect we can be, Andy knows we will always be there for her.
I know that right now you ́re going through a lot, you ́re wondering if it ́s possible to feel completely happy, and I won’t lie, life may not get easier, and sometimes you may not feel like it, but you are strong and resilient enough to face anything that comes your way. Trust me, things are not always what they seem, and everything in life is temporary. So, enjoy the good moments, and when bad times come (because they will), know that they won’t last forever.
I know I still owe you many of the objectives and goals you have, but some of them have changed, and others are still in progress. As we grew, we learned how to prioritize our goals and we have paid attention to what’s most important. As I told you before, we are a good mom, and guess what? we are a psychologist with a master’s degree in Human Development. We love learning and doing research, specially by listening to others and reading lots of papers and books based on science.
Nowadays, we are doing such a good work that we even started sharing our knowledge and experience with others; we ́ve been creating workshops and live sessions, inviting people to do profound introspections about their own selves, and we encourage them to find their own path to happiness.
Since you are me and I am you, I’m going to cheat a little and help you out in these years to come. I’m going to share with you some of the key tools we will use in the following years to find our own path:
Be present, stay curious and savor the moment, that ́s the best way to enjoy life. Don ́t rush yourself or the processes. Allow yourself to pay attention and enjoy the here and now. By being present, you can be in better shape to take care of yourself and others. Practice mindfulness, which means to be intentionally fully present, without judging. Accept the pleasant and unpleasant experiences with openness and deliberately use all your senses. Keep aware of yourself by observing your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and actions. Develop self-awareness, your body has lots of information to share with you. And most important: BREATHE!!
Be purposeful, use your strengths and talents in different contexts. Find your life’s purpose; try thinking about your best self, your skills, and things you love since you were little. Purpose lies in your essence, it ́s the most authentic self. Purpose can also be your life compass, and a great tool to establish, prioritize and achieve your goals. Let me tell you that real magic happens when you clarify your life purpose and put it into others ́ needs service. So, find your uniqueness by thinking about what will be missed if you ́re gone. You ́ll see that without doing great changes, you can unlock your greatness just by leaving wherever place you are, a little better than it was.
Be a listener, toward yourself and others. While listening, show empathy and acceptance. Don ́t be anxious about what to say or what to advice, just listen. People want to be heard not to be lectured. That doesn’t mean you have to agree but be respectful and open-minded to learn from others ́ experiences and wisdom. Listen to your body, with your physical sensations you can learn more about your emotions. Avoid the need to classify them as good or bad; emotions just are. Each of them is useful, so don ́t try to change them, instead, you can change the way you relate to them. And don ́t forget to validate emotions, mostly yours. Validation is the best way to show that you ́re truly listening, and it will strengthen your relationship with yourself and others. I ́m pretty sure that listening to Andy and validating her, is our most powerful parenting tool.
Be a doer, don’t let laziness nor procrastination get in your way. Instead, let yourself fail in order to succeed. Maslow stated that “in any given moment you ́ll have 2 options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety”. You will regret more the things you didn ́t do than the ones you at least tried. Therefore, be brave. Not by pretending that you don ́t have fears, but by getting to know yourself better. Try to understand yourself, your fears, your core values, your perfectionism, your wounds, your worries, your triggers and behavioral patterns. It will help you not only for prioritizing goals and for time management, but also to develop self-confidence. Remember that we are all humans, we all have fears, so you ́re not alone.
Be compassionate to others, but specially to you. Be your best friend. Treat yourself and others kindly. Keep on mind that kindness will never be a waste. According to recent research, self-compassion will allow you to be healthier and happier. Compassion will help you reduce stress and avoid harsh criticism. It can also lead you to strengthen your belief that you can improve and get back on track with your goals as many times as you need. It ́s a great antidote against perfectionism. Compassion can get you to a place of forgiveness. And forgiveness is a powerful boost. Some studies link it to a reduction of anxiety, depression, physical symptoms, and even mortality. Think about what you need to forgive, and just let it go. Remember to offer yourself understanding and kindness when you fail or make a mistake. Don’t be a harsh judge, life ́s hard enough.
Be grateful, appreciate goodness in your life. Gratitude will help you focus on what you have instead of what you lack. Because of hedonic adaptation that we all share as humans, we tend to adapt fast to everything. Consequently, it ́s easy to take good things and people for granted. But gratitude can lead you to become more attuned to the good things in life, improving your well-being. Research suggests that it can also help you cope with hard times, be healthier, keep optimistic, and build stronger relationships. To achieve this, I recommend you start writing about what you are grateful for. You ́ll see that soon it will become a habit.
Be you, get to know more about your strengths and weaknesses as a way of showing and accepting yourself. Avoid being so harsh on your expectations, and most important: embrace your ordinariness. Let yourself be imperfect, we all are, even nature is imperfect. So, stop looking up for perfection. Don’t let your inner critic voice rule your life, it is the voice that grows from fear of disapproval from others. Just imagine how wonderful life would be without worrying so much about how well you’re doing and what others think of you, instead of simply enjoying life.
Be happy, as simple as it sounds, you ́ll learn that happiness is not a goal, is a way of being. And learning to be happy is like trying to get fit. It requires discipline and practice and eventually can become a habit. Deciding to be happy, is a lifelong project and it is the best commitment you can do for yourself. Start by thinking about what makes you happy. Research has shown that happiness is not about money or success, and I truly believe it. Happiness is more about genuinely connecting to others. And it is the quality of your relationships what matters. I can tell you that we have a family where we feel heard, seen, safe and loved. So yes, we ́re happy after all, and John Lennon was right: “all you need is love”.
You are probably wondering right now if we have already mastered those habits. The answer is no, or at least not all of them, yet we ́re still working on it. As I said, we are all humans, we are all a work in progress. However, the difference between now and 22 years ago, is that we know more about us, we ́re more patient, careful, compassionate, grateful, and kind to ourselves. I guess part of the problem was that we misunderstood what makes us happy, now we know more about it. Dany, as I said before, I can ́t promise you that life will be easy, but I can assure you that we are a person full of kindness, resilience and we are very good at listening. I actually think that’s what we do best.
I imagine I possibly chose to write you this letter because in the book Chatter by Ethan Kross, he explains how effective it is to talk to yourself in third person. But perhaps the real reason I ́m writing to you, is because I know that in some point, I lost you. Fortunately, I didn ́t lose your enthusiasm, joy for life and constant thrust for moving ahead.
Anyway, I’d like to tell you that I ́m ready for you, ready to help you heal your wounds, ready to listen you, to give you the validation you needed, to let you be imperfect, to believe in you, to welcome you into your happy ordinary life. Meanwhile, as we figure out how to bring you back into my life, I promise to stay on track and keep moving forward and help ourselves by helping others to have their own Happy Self Project, the one that saved us.
Dany, please come back home, your future daughter and future self, need you.
With love, Your older self.
